"Your grace abounds in deepest waters / Your sovereign hand / Will be my guide / Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me / You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name / And keep my eyes above the waves / When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace / For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders / Let me walk upon the waters / Wherever You would call me / Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander / And my faith will be made stronger / In the presence of my Savior"
This song is not easy. Read the lyrics again. Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. As a human being, it is hard to imagine, hard to concept, anything without borders. We think about the number infinity, I still feel there will come an end. I think about creation. I feel like past the universe and galaxies out there is a massive square box we all fit in. When I think about eternity, it is still hard to grasp that is forever, because humanly forever, there is an end. So when the words state "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders," that is a big plea with Jesus. To have full trust in Jesus that you will walk on the waters where you otherwise would sink. To ask him to take you deeper, that is bold. If you ask these questions, you better be ready to tread those waters.
Day 2 - May 16, 2017: Surgery day. My precious, tiny, 6 pound baby. "We are going to cut here." "Are you okay with a spinal block?" "Can he have a blood if we need to give him some?" "He may be in a lot of pain when he wakes up, which may take a day or two." These were things I was asked and told way too early in the morning on just your second day of life. Some things I knew, some questions I didn't know how to answer. "Your grace abounds in deepest waters." I have never been in those deep waters in a way I was in those first few days. "Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me." I have never been in so much fear as I was sitting at Arkansas Children's Hospital. We wheeled you down from the NICU. We met with the surgeons and anesthesiologists. We answered questions and discussed issues. We answered more questions and discussed more issues. My head was spinning. I sat there beside your bed with Darran, mom and Micah. I just had to hold back tears. I was scared. This was waters unknown for me as a mom. I didn't think I would ever have to answer questions I had to answer in reference to my baby. "So I will call upon Your name." I did. All I could do was pray to myself over and over. Even when people were talking to me, I could remember I was praying inside. I don't know that I remember much of the conversations that day. It is a blur. After they took you back, we made our way up to the crowded waiting area. We waited. And waited. And waited some more. Surgery was almost four hours. "When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace / For I am Yours and You are mine." The ocean was rising. I was anxious. I was standing up. I was sitting down. Up. Down. The phone was for me, you were doing fine. Down, up, down, phone, up. It was some of the longest hours of my life. Finally! You were out of surgery, doing well, and they would have you in recovery and back upstairs in the NICU shortly. I could breathe. Jesus kept me in his embrace. I would have never made it through that day without a whole lot of Jesus, Darran, and my family (Mom, Dad, Micah, Callie, Amy Jo and Darrak). When we got back to your pod, I didn't want to leave you. I watched you, I watched as your ventilator machine monitored and helped you breathe, I watched your blood pressure, your heart rate, your temperature. I wanted to make sure, even though you were peacefully sleeping, that Mommy was by your side. I wasn't going to leave you. We made it through together. Your tiny body, now with a scar and a small hole just below it, still beautiful as ever. It was a long day. But we made it! "You've never failed and You won't start now."
This coming Monday you will be 8 months old. Since your first surgery on day 2, you've had 5 other procedures. The fear I felt on day 2 in the surgery waiting room is filled with familiarity now. Not because I don't fear for my child, but because through this deep ocean we've been swimming in, as the oceans rise and fall on the journey, there has been an ever present constant: Your sovereign hand has guided us through. Though it may not be easy, or pretty, or clear, one thing remains: I am Yours, You are mine.
From Day 1 to today, Day 240, you are what I needed. You are what our family needed. Though the days be tough, and the challenges still come, I have and will always love you, fight for you, and support you. It is amazing the things God knows we need before we ever know they exist. God knew we would have our sweet Ridge Grisham well before we did. He knew I needed him. Ridge has a purpose. And through his little life, Jesus shines, and for that, I am blessed.
