Thy Will Be Done

Life is hard. 

I don't have it all together.

I don't have all the answers.

I don't understand why things are or become the way they are.

I don't understand why things don't go the way I want them to.

I don't like when those I love are hurting.

I don't like when problems keep arising for my sweet Ridge.

I don't like when my precious Rylann can't seem to stay well.

I don't like when Rook and Reese are having bad days and I don't know how best to parent to them or their needs and it turns into a mess for everyone and we all feel a little frustration, guilt, love and stress.

But, that is life.

And life is hard.

2017 was a crazy year for the Austin household. Between preparing for baby number 4, to having baby number 4, to learning about baby number 4's health issues, to spending a lot of time with baby number 4 in the hospital, it just wasn't what we expected, prepared for, prayed for, and hoped for. But it was what we lived through, loved through, survived through, and laughed through.

2018 is here and we have looked forward to the positive changes. But sometimes those come with highs and lows. While 2017 was crazy, we planned on 2018 being smoother, less hospitals and doctors, more family time, better health, you get the point. And while 2018 isn't going terrible, it still isn't starting as smoothly as I hoped. I laugh at the times I have made plans this year and those plans have had to change. I don't know when I will learn. We have spent many days at Millard Henry Clinic between Rylann and Ridge with plenty of ear infections. We have spent several days with Ridge at Arkansas Children's Hospital for mishaps (you know, tubes coming out) and check-ups (which is more than a handful). But again, we press through. We've been praying for other things to come our way to make our family dynamic a little easier as well, but those things have yet to come to fruition. It has been a long journey. There have been tears, frustration, heartache, bitterness, love, perseverance, prayers, desperation, and strength. Darran and I both have so many questions about our future and what will it look like for us. In the midst of trying to "figure that out" and raising four kids, it has been exhausting.

When Jesus was preparing for his death, something that is quite a bit more troublesome to prepare for and pray for than my "better 2018" problems, he struggled. While in Gethsemane he was grieving, what the Bible says was "to the point of death." (Matt 26:38.) Jesus knew he was about to take on something, a plan, the perfect design by God to bring unity and connection and a pathway between Him and His people. This was the one and only way to make this happen. Jesus knew that. He knew that he came from Heaven to fulfill the Father's will, not his own (John 6:38). In his prayer, he prays while falling face down. Face down in what was probably dry soil turned wet from tears surrounding the olive trees in the garden, pleading, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will" (v. 29.) Father, please take this suffering from me. But, let it not be what I want, but what you want for me. This prayer is one that would be a gut wrencher. This prayer would require you to swallow all of your pride, get on your knees and say, Lord, help me in my suffering, but if it is what you want to happen, then it will happen.

Many times, I pray and pray and pray for things to happen. For Ridge to get better. For Darran to get to be with us every night. For our lives to turn semi-normal. I get frustrated and bitter and tired and negative when things do not go as I wish, as I pray, as I want. It is so easy to take that route. What isn't so easy is falling face down and saying, "Okay Lord, please take some of these burdens from me.  Please heal my sweet precious son to eat, to develop, to be healthy in every way. Please bring us an opportunity for Darran to be home with us and for us to have a normal functioning life. Please make things just a little easier. BUT...if that isn't what you have planned for us, if that isn't what you want for us right now, then THY WILL BE DONE." God didn't say life would be easy. There will be suffering. There will be pains. There will be struggles. It is how we react to those struggles that matters. How will I pursue God in my pain? How will I reflect Christ in this period of suffering? How can I better sing God's praises through the storm I am in? As Jesus understood, I too must better understand we are sent here with a purpose. I was not sent here for my own pleasure and will. I was sent here to do the will that God has planned. As a believer in Christ, through my struggles and frustrations, I must rejoice that I am here and can use this for His purpose, for His good, for His kingdom.

Thy Will by Hilary Scott has become one song that has played over and over in my head many times.
Watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp4WC_YZAuw
Here are the lyrics:

I’m so confused / I know I heard you loud and clear / So, I followed through / Somehow I ended up here I don’t wanna think / I may never understand / That my broken heart / Is a part of your planWhen I try to pray / All I’ve got is hurt / And these four words

Thy will be done 
Thy will be done 
Thy will be done 

I know you’re good / But this don’t feel good right now / And I know you think / Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy / Distracted by the noise / Just trying to make sense / Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop /Remember that you’re God / And I am not / So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done 
Thy will be done 
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done 
Thy will

I know you see me / I know you hear me, Lord / Your plans are for me / Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me / I know you see me, Lord / Your plans are for me / Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done
Thy will be done 
Thy will be done 
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done 
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

With all the chaos and noise and trials that come our way, through the struggles and pain, through the triumphs and joy, Lord, Thy Will Be Done.