Hey friends. It has been quite some time since I have sat down to write about Ridge and our journey with him. It is easy to forget how far we have come when the waters seem calm. But, the waters are starting to swallow me whole right now. 

I've been trying to sit down and write this for three weeks. I've opened up the page, yet find myself staring at the blank white screen, unable to piece the words together. However, it is time I try. 

Since I have not updated since Boston in 2018, I figure I better start back a little before I jump into today.

2023 -

Ridge was having difficulty with swallowing and eating to the point he just seemed off. He would say if felt like things were getting stuck, yet we didn't know what was happening. Esophagrams showed his esophagus had minor narrowing, but nothing unusual for him. The GI doctors at ACH performed an EGD and there was nothing suspicious. While he did have his normal reflux issues, no new signs of a problem were evidenced. However, this was not settling well for us. I pushed for more testing to be done. Our GI doctor agreed he needed more specialized GI care, so at this point we were referred to Mercy Children's in Kansas City. While in KC Ridge underwent some minor procedures, motility testing, reflux testing, and a pH balance test to see if our medications were targeting the proper type of reflux. After his initial EGD and scopes were done, while still under anesthesia, an esophageal manometry probe was placed to test his motility. When he woke up enough, he was then assessed while eating several different foods and drinks, through different mechanisms, and in many different positions. While at times this was frustrating and irritating for him, he did well. Unfortunately, we also received the news we feared. Ridge's esophagus is simply no longer working as it should. This was devastating, heartbreaking and frustrating to hear. Simply for the fact, there is really no fixing the issue: it just is what it is. Up to this point in Ridge's life, if there was something wrong, I didn't care what we had to do, I would find the right doctors to fix it. This time, there isn't a fix. That is a lot to swallow. There are so many things that went through my head: He's so young, he has a long life ahead; Why can't you figure out how to fix this; Who can give me a different answer because I don't accept this. These were all things I was struggling to understand. All while Ridge just was "figuring it out" and making it work. The doctor said Ridge will just need to heavily rely on gravity while eating. It hit me hard. Something so many people don't even think about, something as crazy as a working esophagus we take for granted, and here I was just praying for a miracle his would work. 

2024 - 

Ridge has adjusted and he is managing things quite well. We had a relatively calm year. We did have more scopes done because he seemed to be staying junky, but aside from this, Ridge had a relatively calm 2024!

2025 - 

April 24, 2025. I probably won't forget this date again. Along the way on Ridge's journey, there are definitely some specific dates that are etched into my memory. This is one of them. The school called and said Ridge was acting strange, not feeling like himself and kept complaining he was really tired and dizzy, not feeling well. After letting him rest and get a snack, he seemed a little better. Not long after, he was back again, feeling dizzy and tired like he just wanted to sleep. At this point, I went and picked him up and took him to see the pediatrician. When I got there, he kept saying he just felt weird and didn't feel like he could breathe well. He explained he can breathe in, but felt like the air was stuck and he couldn't breathe out. She ran several tests because she knows Ridge and knows you can never be too cautious. After blood work, a check up, an EKG, and an X-ray, we found the culprit. While we were worried about an issue with his lungs on X-ray, she noticed his airway looked strange, especially compared to some previous images of his airway that looked normal. The fear I have had since his posterior tracheopexy in Boston in 2018 that changed, and quite possibly saved, his life, started creeping in. Ridge's airway appeared collapsed. Everything looked as if it had shifted around and his trachea was being compressed. I held it together until that night. Alone, in the bathroom, I fell apart. How is this happening again? WHY is this happening again? I don't want my beautiful boy to suffer through this again. When this happened the last time, we were constantly sick, constantly in the hospital, and I searched high and low for a solution: surgeons in Boston that could fix it. WE DID THAT! So WHY is this happening again? I talked with the pediatrician, and based on what was observed on X-ray, it was decided it was best to find a way to get him back to the surgeons from Boston. The doctors that performed Ridge's life-changing surgery in Boston have since moved to John Hopkins All Childrens in St. Petersburg Florida, which I found just searching a couple of years ago. I searched their website and found their Esophageal and Airway Treatment Clinic. I finally found the page to request an appointment. On Tuesday, April 29, I submitted the form to request an appointment with Dr. Jennings and Dr. Smithers, expressed we were a patient in Boston, we are facing a highly likely recollapse, and we would like to come see them. Within three hours the clinic nursing coordinator called me, had his medical files pulled, a medical chart started, and had scheduled a zoom with Dr. Smithers for Friday, May 2nd. That was a long wait from Tuesday to Friday, but I made it. After speaking with Dr. Smithers and the nurse, reviewing the images, and knowing his history, Dr. Smithers is highly confident as Ridge has grown and his scoliosis has progressed, his midline anatomy has shifted and is trying to settle into spots to thrive. Unfortunately, with his tiny chest cavity, it is believed his trachea is being pushed over and compressed, causing Ridge to feel uncomfortable and feel a noticeable struggle to breathe. While it was suggested scopes would be in order and necessary, Dr. Smithers was very honest and admitted he felt that would be naive, as he is very confident Ridge will need more than just scopes. As suspected, Ridge needs another major surgery: this time a restructure of his midline anatomy and an anterior tracheopexy. I heard from the clinic today, May 15, 2025, Ridge's 8th birthday, that he will be having surgery soon. We are on the books to meet with the clinics on June 26, have scopes and anatomical CTs done on June 27, and Ridge will undergo this major surgery on July 1st. 

I am still trying to wrap my head around this. Why is this happening again? How do I keep him calm until then? How do I comfort him through his sadness and anxiousness? 

Last night, while laying with Ridge in bed, he started asking me questions. You see, while Ridge has had upward of 10-15 minor noninvasive procedures, the last time he had a major surgery he was 13 months old. Now...he's 8. He has his own questions. Why can't I be normal like my friends? Why can't I play without having a hard time breathing? Why can't I be outside like everyone else? Will you be with me when they take me into surgery? Will they go through the same scar? How bad will I hurt when I wake up? What if they mess up or something happens? My sweet boy is scared. It breaks my heart to hear his questions and to see his face so scared. I've answered the questions I can, and the ones I can't I answer the only way I know how. I've started telling him a new, very intentional bible verse daily to try to help calm him. Last night we snuggled and as he fell asleep I prayed over him. I thought the challenges were hard in those early years. Nothing prepared me for this. The fears he feels now that he is older and understands what is happening. 

It's been hard. It's been frustrating. People do not understand what we've been through, what we are facing, and where his life is headed. Having a chronic medical child is hard. Facing difficulties related to breathing and eating is not easy. Ridge's challenges are faced around basic life tasks we all so often take for granted. We don't understand it until we've lived it. It's tough. 

My sweet boy is 8 today, and while we are so sad and struggling right now, emotionally, mentally, and physically, we are going to celebrate the goodness that is his life for his birthday today. What I ask is for prayers over the next 6 weeks. His appointments in clinic are 6 weeks from today and we need prayers between now and then. 

You can pray specifically for the following:

-Ridge's health: We need him to stay as healthy as possible to make it is as best condition as we can so his recovery is easier.
-Ridge's anxiousness: Please pray God gives him strength and a peace that surpasses all doubts and fear
-My heart: This has been a long three weeks trying to fight, advocate, and figure out what needs to happen for Ridge from many different avenues. I am tired.
-Our family: This has been tough on everyone knowing he is going through this again.
-Logistics: This will require a lengthy stay in Florida. Please pray we figure this out logistically as we have 3 other very busy, active children, as well as financially.

I will leave you with this last piece. After the initial news of Ridge's collapse, I was struggling. After speaking to Dr. Smithers on May 2nd, we left town to go to Branson for the weekend for the girls cheer competition. On the way up there, the song Faithful Still came on SiriusXM. The ride was rather quiet, so it took all I had to hold back tears when I could very clearly hear Ridge in the back seat singing the song with every ounce of his being as if that song was written for him. Below are the lyrics and a link to listen. I encourage you to do so, with the idea of Ridge singing it. I promise you won't hold back the tears. To know what he has been through, to know what he understands lies ahead, and to think he still so boldly and confidently was praising his savior singing the words, "I have a hope, I have a future, I'm a child of the mountain mover" will give you goosebumps. That is why I fully believe Jesus told us in both Matthew 18:3 and Luke 18:17 to have the faith of a child. 

Faithful Still - KingsPorch

When my heart is racing deep inside my chest
When I'm underneath the weight of anxiousness
When my fear is raging and I can't catch my breath
I will remember

You are faithful still
You have carried me through deeper waters
Walked beside me through the fire
Faithful still
You have have closed the mouth of bigger lions
Conquered even greater giants
Gone before me and You always will
You are faithful still

God, you saw this long before I ever knew
And your peace is waiting here to see me through
My deliverance is only found in You
So I will surrender

You are faithful still
You have carried me through deeper waters
Walked beside me through the fire
Faithful still
You have have closed the mouth of bigger lions
Conquered even greater giants
Gone before me and You always will
You are faithful still

I have a hope, I have a future

I'm a child of the Mountain Mover

Faithful Still Please listen. It is a beautiful song and truly getting me through each day right now.

Those that have followed our story know I have always correlated his name "Ridge" and us climbing mountains, so listening to this song and knowing while we are on this journey on the ridge, climbing those mountains to get Ridge the care he needs and fighting big battles, our God is a mountain mover. We WILL trust in that. We WILL believe it. We WILL see victory through this.

If you're still with me, please know, we love you and appreciate you all for always caring for Ridge and fighting these battles with us through prayer and love. 

I have a birthday to go celebrate!

-Britney

"I think I'll go to Boston..."

I've put off writing this post because to be honest, I am mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. It takes a lot of energy to explain where we've been and where we are headed sometimes, especially after we've been here this long and you almost don't know where to start, and to be honest, are so tired of talking about his "problems."

But truth of the matter is, Ridge has many problems, and we are finally on track to getting him fixed, hopefully.

Let me start at the beginning...

Over the past several months, Ridge had been fed via G-tube at 28 k/cal (normal is 20) per ml, getting 35 ml/hour for continuous feeds 24/7. He has struggled to gain weight, even with the increased k/cals. We had been working with GI and dietitians to try to get weight on him. In the meantime, we also had a test done and found a new recurring fistula has appeared. Because of this, he needed more surgeries. More surgeries led to more anesthesia, more anesthesia led to more lung problems than he already had. During this time, using a hospital grade suction machine, I was pulling up white, frothy, bubbly stuff. We did not know if this was coming from his lungs or via reflux from his stomach. This became a back and forth battle of what it was and who could fix it.

So, that being said, March 29 he had his first attempt to close the fistula. They cauterized in the pouch and where the hole area was. We had to stay overnight as he required oxygen afterwards. We were sent home the next day. The symptoms continued with no true improvement. To us, he actually seemed worse. We went in for another test to see if the hole closed. Unfortunately, it was more open than before, which meant another surgery.

We had the second attempt done April 19. We had planned to stay this time, and we ended up staying two nights. Our surgeon pulled pulmonary in to get a game plan. This didn't get us very far at the time (we didn't get our normal pulmonary doc) so our surgeon made the decision to put a TPT tube (transpyloric tube) into his button down into his intestines. This would prevent the reflux from happening so much, and allow the hole to close without being irritated by reflux and stomach acids, as well as help heal his lungs. They were beginning to sound more and more coarse. Three weeks passed, another test was done. HOLE. IS. STILL. THERE!! The hole wasn't any bigger, but it also wasn't any smaller. Our frustrations began to settle in. The surgeons discussed heavily of whether we try the cauterization procedure a third time, or if we do a full thoracotomy. For those that don't know, the cauterization is less invasive and they perform this via a bronchoscopy. A thoracotomy is going in through his side, through the rib cage, collapsing a lung, and doing what they needed to this way. Ridge's lungs were in no condition for this surgery. Also, because he has tracheomalacia so bad, this procedure can just make it worse, making our respiratory issues even worse than where we currently stood. In the meantime, he has been getting fed via TPT for a month at this point, keeping reflux down and hopefully brining on some weight. Unfortunately, he was going the wrong direction and losing weight. This was becoming another problem to figure out.

Wednesday, May 16, we came down for appointments with Pulmonary and GI and at that point decided we needed to figure out:

1. Why his lungs were having issues and get the documentation we needed for home oxygen. 
2. Why he isn't gaining weight.
3. What in the world is this white, frothy, bubbly stuff and where is it coming from!!!

This is what I told them I wanted figured out while we were here this time. We knew we were having surgery May 17, so GI and Pulmonary teamed with our surgeon and came up with a plan. The plan was, have the surgery Thursday morning, stay and monitor oxygen, put on TPN and Lipids to clear the GI tract and determine where the stuff was coming from, see if he could gain, and give his lungs some support, and by Monday, go home with oxygen and potentially TPN/Lipids. 

During surgery, the surgeon cauterized the hole and in the pouch, and also used glue to hopefully help hold it. However, the surgeon also saw this white substance I have been talking about and it came up from his lungs into his bronchial tubes and trachea during surgery. Ah ha! We had an answer before it even started! The junk is coming from the lungs. Unfortunately, that is a problem. Pneumonia it is! After surgery he did well, but as usual, required O2. We got settled in our room, talked to pulmonary and GI, and the ball was rolling to get the O2 and hopefully go home Saturday or Monday. Friday morning the PICC line was placed for the TPN and Lipids feeds. By Saturday, he had fever and was going downhill and fast. 

From Saturday to Monday his fever only came down with Ibuprofen or Tylenol and we were giving it around the clock every 3 hours. He was restless, breathing fast, and struggling. Monday, he tested positive for a virus. So now we have a virus and pneumonia to fight, all while trying to heal the hole. This is slowly becoming a perfect storm for not healing. Pneumonia was settled in deep in both lungs, and by Monday night his fever was not coming down with the medicines. Respirations were in the 80s and his O2 level jumped from needing 6 L to needing 10 in just a couple hours. Our sweet nurse called the MET team and after coming in twice to observe, decided once we hit 10 L and over 102 fever we needed to transfer to the IMU (Intermediate Care Unit) for closer observation. [Disclaimer: Ridge loves his girlfriends in 3D - Surgery Unit.] Over the next two days, his O2 levels increased to 12 L. At this point, his stomach is bulging from so much air. We removed the TPT tube placed after the last surgery and hooked him to a vent bag to help relieve some pain and discomfort. Over the next several days, O2 was weened very slowly until we got down to 6 L. We were in IMU from May 21 - May 29. Finally, we were transferring out of IMU to ITU (Infant Toddler Unit...but we love our IMU team) and getting a bigger room and hopefully would be recovering soon. He was getting over the pneumonia and virus and starting to feel more lively and like my Ridge. 

Days passed and it didn't seem like Ridge was tolerating weening from the flow very well. He wasn't needing the FiO2 (oxygen) so much as he was needing the flow (liters per minute). The thoughts are, his tracheomalacia is causing him to need the flow to keep his trachea from collapsing. Hmm..what to do about that? I can't sit here on high flow until he gets bigger and grows out of his issue, because 1. remember, we aren't growing, and 2. some kids don't outgrow it so that would be a lot of time to risk the fact he may never outgrow this. 

In the meantime, we are on TPN and Lipids and barely growing. I mean, 0.02 kg some days. Which is not much. Like an ounce. With the amount of sugar and fats, this isn't making sense. We are in the talks of having genetic testing to see if there are other reasons why this is, as well as continuously playing with his numbers to get us better results. 

Last week, I decided I would finally raise the question: Do we need to get a second opinion and go to Boston. When one physician says, "If this were my son, I absolutely would" you jump on that option. We started working with insurance, requests, calling Boston, etc. Our case manager started the process and got everyone rolling. Why do we want to go to Boston you might ask? They have the best pediatric clinic for kids like Ridge with EA/TEF. If you're curious of Ridge's conditions or what we are going for, go check out their website (http://www.childrenshospital.org/centers-and-services/programs/a-_-e/esophageal-and-airway-treatment-program). It will give you some insight on what we are needing and what we are hopeful for! Dr. Jennings is a worldwide known surgeon that has developed life-changing procedures for kids like my Ridge. Did you read that right? LIFE-CHANGING! WE NEED TO GET TO BOSTON! The plan is for Dr. Jennings to check for any possible holes and to see if the surgery from 3 weeks ago worked. He will then perform a posterior tracheopexy at the same time, hopefully. Long story short, this will tack his trachea open by attaching it to his spine. This surgery could potentially lead him to eating soon, breathing better, and living a relatively normal (for him) life, and hopefully tubeless. 

SO, our case manager reached out to Boston for us, and she said Dr. Jennings is going to take on Ridge's case and he can help us. Did you hear that? Those words have never sounded so sweet. Someone can fix my boy. The day I got the call from our case worker and she told me that, the tears flowed. I couldn't quit thinking about his life afterwards, seeing him run and play, seeing him eat, seeing him be a typical little boy with his big brother and sisters. I couldn't stop crying. I called and told mom, and we cried all over again. It has been an emotional week. 

While we wait to go, we are still trying to work on Ridge's weight and respiratory state. He isn't gaining significantly on the TPN and Lipids and we aren't sure why. We are continuing to go up on numbers, and hopefully we will see more than just 0.02 kg in weight gain. It can be frustrating at times, but we are hopeful. Also, his gallbladder and liver numbers were out of whack in his labs, so an ultrasound was done, but praise the Lord it came back what they expected: its sluggish because he is only getting TPN/Lipids and there is nothing else wrong! Answered prayers there. We are on room level oxygen (21%) but he is staying between 3 and 4 L of flow to help with his trachea and the floppiness. Because of his gallbladder and liver and their condition, we are currently waiting to go to IR to get a new TPT line placed into his button down into his intestines. They are going to try to just push small amounts into his intestines a couple times a day to get his liver and gallbladder functioning correctly again. So while we wait for Boston, we will work on these improvements. 

Phew. That was a lot. And I am sure I have forgotten some things. After 21 days locked in a room, he was set free to roam the halls. He has taken on his role as hall greeter very well. He gets called a pretty or beautiful girl very frequently, and we take it in stride and laugh, because 1. he is carrying a dinosaur blanket, wearing blue, and has a blue Paci with a monster Paci clip...and 2. we know he's beautiful. 

As I wrap up this post, I just got the news that our insurance has approved the transfer and care in Boston! I can't quit shaking. I am so excited, we finally can get the help he needs! Now we just wait for a bed in Boston and wait for a flight!

Be praying for us as we make this transfer. As we've already been away from the other three for so long and their worlds have been turned upside down, we hate to leave them again. However, we are hopeful for the first time in a while that once we get back we will have a relatively normal life together as a complete family back together again, and that Ridge will be the boy we've prayed for him to be one day, and be completely healed. Also be praying for us that our insurance will provide the coverage we need as this is going to be a pricy transfer and visit and the bills will most likely add up. However, no price tag is going to be too big for my son to get a better life. We thank you all for continued love, prayers and support. We couldn't do it without our family and our village. We have people praying all over the country, and for that we are thankful. 

On that note, I think I'll go to Boston...

Thy Will Be Done

Life is hard. 

I don't have it all together.

I don't have all the answers.

I don't understand why things are or become the way they are.

I don't understand why things don't go the way I want them to.

I don't like when those I love are hurting.

I don't like when problems keep arising for my sweet Ridge.

I don't like when my precious Rylann can't seem to stay well.

I don't like when Rook and Reese are having bad days and I don't know how best to parent to them or their needs and it turns into a mess for everyone and we all feel a little frustration, guilt, love and stress.

But, that is life.

And life is hard.

2017 was a crazy year for the Austin household. Between preparing for baby number 4, to having baby number 4, to learning about baby number 4's health issues, to spending a lot of time with baby number 4 in the hospital, it just wasn't what we expected, prepared for, prayed for, and hoped for. But it was what we lived through, loved through, survived through, and laughed through.

2018 is here and we have looked forward to the positive changes. But sometimes those come with highs and lows. While 2017 was crazy, we planned on 2018 being smoother, less hospitals and doctors, more family time, better health, you get the point. And while 2018 isn't going terrible, it still isn't starting as smoothly as I hoped. I laugh at the times I have made plans this year and those plans have had to change. I don't know when I will learn. We have spent many days at Millard Henry Clinic between Rylann and Ridge with plenty of ear infections. We have spent several days with Ridge at Arkansas Children's Hospital for mishaps (you know, tubes coming out) and check-ups (which is more than a handful). But again, we press through. We've been praying for other things to come our way to make our family dynamic a little easier as well, but those things have yet to come to fruition. It has been a long journey. There have been tears, frustration, heartache, bitterness, love, perseverance, prayers, desperation, and strength. Darran and I both have so many questions about our future and what will it look like for us. In the midst of trying to "figure that out" and raising four kids, it has been exhausting.

When Jesus was preparing for his death, something that is quite a bit more troublesome to prepare for and pray for than my "better 2018" problems, he struggled. While in Gethsemane he was grieving, what the Bible says was "to the point of death." (Matt 26:38.) Jesus knew he was about to take on something, a plan, the perfect design by God to bring unity and connection and a pathway between Him and His people. This was the one and only way to make this happen. Jesus knew that. He knew that he came from Heaven to fulfill the Father's will, not his own (John 6:38). In his prayer, he prays while falling face down. Face down in what was probably dry soil turned wet from tears surrounding the olive trees in the garden, pleading, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will" (v. 29.) Father, please take this suffering from me. But, let it not be what I want, but what you want for me. This prayer is one that would be a gut wrencher. This prayer would require you to swallow all of your pride, get on your knees and say, Lord, help me in my suffering, but if it is what you want to happen, then it will happen.

Many times, I pray and pray and pray for things to happen. For Ridge to get better. For Darran to get to be with us every night. For our lives to turn semi-normal. I get frustrated and bitter and tired and negative when things do not go as I wish, as I pray, as I want. It is so easy to take that route. What isn't so easy is falling face down and saying, "Okay Lord, please take some of these burdens from me.  Please heal my sweet precious son to eat, to develop, to be healthy in every way. Please bring us an opportunity for Darran to be home with us and for us to have a normal functioning life. Please make things just a little easier. BUT...if that isn't what you have planned for us, if that isn't what you want for us right now, then THY WILL BE DONE." God didn't say life would be easy. There will be suffering. There will be pains. There will be struggles. It is how we react to those struggles that matters. How will I pursue God in my pain? How will I reflect Christ in this period of suffering? How can I better sing God's praises through the storm I am in? As Jesus understood, I too must better understand we are sent here with a purpose. I was not sent here for my own pleasure and will. I was sent here to do the will that God has planned. As a believer in Christ, through my struggles and frustrations, I must rejoice that I am here and can use this for His purpose, for His good, for His kingdom.

Thy Will by Hilary Scott has become one song that has played over and over in my head many times.
Watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp4WC_YZAuw
Here are the lyrics:

I’m so confused / I know I heard you loud and clear / So, I followed through / Somehow I ended up here I don’t wanna think / I may never understand / That my broken heart / Is a part of your planWhen I try to pray / All I’ve got is hurt / And these four words

Thy will be done 
Thy will be done 
Thy will be done 

I know you’re good / But this don’t feel good right now / And I know you think / Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy / Distracted by the noise / Just trying to make sense / Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop /Remember that you’re God / And I am not / So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done 
Thy will be done 
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done 
Thy will

I know you see me / I know you hear me, Lord / Your plans are for me / Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me / I know you see me, Lord / Your plans are for me / Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done
Thy will be done 
Thy will be done 
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done 
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

With all the chaos and noise and trials that come our way, through the struggles and pain, through the triumphs and joy, Lord, Thy Will Be Done. 

Deep Waters

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters / Your sovereign hand /  Will be my guide / Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me / You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name / And keep my eyes above the waves / When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace / For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders / Let me walk upon the waters / Wherever You would call me / Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander / And my faith will be made stronger / In the presence of my Savior"

This song is not easy. Read the lyrics again. Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. As a human being, it is hard to imagine, hard to concept, anything without borders. We think about the number infinity, I still feel there will come an end. I think about creation. I feel like past the universe and galaxies out there is a massive square box we all fit in. When I think about eternity, it is still hard to grasp that is forever, because humanly forever, there is an end. So when the words state "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders," that is a big plea with Jesus. To have full trust in Jesus that you will walk on the waters where you otherwise would sink. To ask him to take you deeper, that is bold. If you ask these questions, you better be ready to tread those waters. 

Day 2 - May 16, 2017: Surgery day. My precious, tiny, 6 pound baby. "We are going to cut here." "Are you okay with a spinal block?" "Can he have a blood if we need to give him some?" "He may be in a lot of pain when he wakes up, which may take a day or two." These were things I was asked and told way too early in the morning on just your second day of life. Some things I knew, some questions I didn't know how to answer. "Your grace abounds in deepest waters." I have never been in those deep waters in a way I was in those first few days. "Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me." I have never been in so much fear as I was sitting at Arkansas Children's Hospital. We wheeled you down from the NICU. We met with the surgeons and anesthesiologists. We answered questions and discussed issues. We answered more questions and discussed more issues. My head was spinning. I sat there beside your bed with Darran, mom and Micah. I just had to hold back tears. I was scared. This was waters unknown for me as a mom. I didn't think I would ever have to answer questions I had to answer in reference to my baby. "So I will call upon Your name." I did. All I could do was pray to myself over and over. Even when people were talking to me, I could remember I was praying inside. I don't know that I remember much of the conversations that day. It is a blur. After they took you back, we made our way up to the crowded waiting area. We waited. And waited. And waited some more. Surgery was almost four hours. "When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace / For I am Yours and You are mine." The ocean was rising. I was anxious. I was standing up. I was sitting down. Up. Down. The phone was for me, you were doing fine. Down, up, down, phone, up. It was some of the longest hours of my life. Finally! You were out of surgery, doing well, and they would have you in recovery and back upstairs in the NICU shortly. I could breathe. Jesus kept me in his embrace. I would have never made it through that day without a whole lot of Jesus, Darran, and my family (Mom, Dad, Micah, Callie, Amy Jo and Darrak). When we got back to your pod, I didn't want to leave you. I watched you, I watched as your ventilator machine monitored and helped you breathe, I watched your blood pressure, your heart rate, your temperature. I wanted to make sure, even though you were peacefully sleeping, that Mommy was by your side. I wasn't going to leave you. We made it through together. Your tiny body, now with a scar and a small hole just below it, still beautiful as ever. It was a long day. But we made it! "You've never failed and You won't start now."

This coming Monday you will be 8 months old. Since your first surgery on day 2, you've had 5 other procedures. The fear I felt on day 2 in the surgery waiting room is filled with familiarity now. Not because I don't fear for my child, but because through this deep ocean we've been swimming in, as the oceans rise and fall on the journey, there has been an ever present constant: Your sovereign hand has guided us through. Though it may not be easy, or pretty, or clear, one thing remains: I am Yours, You are mine. 

From Day 1 to today, Day 240, you are what I needed. You are what our family needed. Though the days be tough, and the challenges still come, I have and will always love you, fight for you, and support you. It is amazing the things God knows we need before we ever know they exist. God knew we would have our sweet Ridge Grisham well before we did. He knew I needed him. Ridge has a purpose. And through his little life, Jesus shines, and for that, I am blessed.

Welcome To Our Journey

Hey everyone!

I finally caved and decided I would start an actual blog. I can be a "wordy" person, so I figured putting it here will not only eliminate clogging up Facebook and Instagram news feeds, but also allow me to express freely and fully to have as a keepsake looking back on. It is mostly my words, written to Ridge, as well as me expressing the journey. I will probably bounce back and forth between the two monologues. I want to slowly get it in writing so I do not lose or forget this journey we have been on. For me, for Ridge, for our family. Not so we can dwell on it, but so we can look back and praise our Father for bringing us to and through this journey with Ridge down this ridge. He was, is and always will be a Good, Good Father.

Sometimes I question who it is I am and who it is I want to become through all of this journey with Ridge. This has not been an easy walk through the rose garden. It has not been pleasurable or fun. What it has been is: exhausting, complicating, frustrating, humbling, educational, trying, loving, hopeful, and beautiful. As many of you know, Ridge was our surprise. I found out I was pregnant on October 3, 2016, the day our baby girl, Rylann, was 3 months old. While I was shocked and confused, I was deep down so excited to have a fourth child. However, I just could not believe we would be having two children within one year. Our sweet Ridge made his arrival on May 15th, 2017, and this has been our journey since. It has been full of challenges, growth, highs and lows. I have had to learn to let others help, that you can't always plan out every detail of life, and that every day is a new day with a new story. So, here is ours.

Day 1:

Monday, May 15, 2017: The day you were born. You looked so much like your brother; you were beautiful. The moment I first held you, I knew there was a purpose for your life. Unfortunately, I also knew something wasn't right. You sounded extremely congested, even with multiple suctions. Your beautiful, tiny body would turn purple and blue to the point I was terrified. We were blessed to have a wonderful Nursery Nurse that knew instantly what your problem was. After talking with the Pediatrician on call, they came and told us you were born with Esophageal Atresia (EA) and would need to be sent to Arkansas Children's to the NICU, and would be looking at surgery in the upcoming days. All I could think was, "Wait, what? This can't be happening. The plan was, he would be born, healthy, and we would go home to our other three babies and life would be normal." Mom said my face turned white as a ghost and I looked like I was in a fog. I was confused. I was heartbroken. I was scared. Not for me, but for you. I had never heard of this esophageal atresia mess they mentioned. At that point, I didn't understand what I did wrong during this pregnancy to make something like this happen to you. I kept asking myself, "Did I do something different this time?" They came and placed you in the isolation incubator and took you to ACH when you were just a few hours old. You were hooked up to tubes everywhere. My amazing OB/GYN through all four pregnancies came by to talk to me after she was given the news. Thankfully, she let me shower and go. I could not fathom being there while you were at ACH and I had no idea what was going on. I think she also knew I would be driving her crazy or climbing the walls until I was out of there. Darran and Dad followed you to ACH. Mom stuck around and we were just behind. It was a strange feeling to walk out of the hospital, climb into Mom's vehicle, and not have my baby with me. She got me to ACH just 5 hours after delivering. When I walked into the NICU and saw you, I didn't know what to think or how to feel. I just was still in shock. So many tests. So many tubes. So many conversations. All I knew was they mentioned you had the EA and Tracheoesophageal Fistula (TEF) (um, what?) and that a major 3-4 hour surgery would be required to repair it. We talked to the surgeons. We talked to the anesthesiologists. Surgery was set for the next morning, when you were a mere 24 hours old. I didn't leave your side much that day. I was wanting to hold you so bad. However, I had to settle with holding your hand, so I did. By the end of the day, I was emotionally, mentally, physically exhausted. I went to the hotel to sleep, but I watched you on the camera instead. My baby boy was going to have surgery the next day. How could I sleep? I watched. And I watched some more.

I said from the very moment I found out we were having you, God would do mighty things with and through you. Day 1, and it was just the beginning.

Stay tuned...