I finally caved and decided I would start an actual blog. I can be a "wordy" person, so I figured putting it here will not only eliminate clogging up Facebook and Instagram news feeds, but also allow me to express freely and fully to have as a keepsake looking back on. It is mostly my words, written to Ridge, as well as me expressing the journey. I will probably bounce back and forth between the two monologues. I want to slowly get it in writing so I do not lose or forget this journey we have been on. For me, for Ridge, for our family. Not so we can dwell on it, but so we can look back and praise our Father for bringing us to and through this journey with Ridge down this ridge. He was, is and always will be a Good, Good Father.
Sometimes I question who it is I am and who it is I want to become through all of this journey with Ridge. This has not been an easy walk through the rose garden. It has not been pleasurable or fun. What it has been is: exhausting, complicating, frustrating, humbling, educational, trying, loving, hopeful, and beautiful. As many of you know, Ridge was our surprise. I found out I was pregnant on October 3, 2016, the day our baby girl, Rylann, was 3 months old. While I was shocked and confused, I was deep down so excited to have a fourth child. However, I just could not believe we would be having two children within one year. Our sweet Ridge made his arrival on May 15th, 2017, and this has been our journey since. It has been full of challenges, growth, highs and lows. I have had to learn to let others help, that you can't always plan out every detail of life, and that every day is a new day with a new story. So, here is ours.
Monday, May 15, 2017: The day you were born. You looked so much like your brother; you were beautiful. The moment I first held you, I knew there was a purpose for your life. Unfortunately, I also knew something wasn't right. You sounded extremely congested, even with multiple suctions. Your beautiful, tiny body would turn purple and blue to the point I was terrified. We were blessed to have a wonderful Nursery Nurse that knew instantly what your problem was. After talking with the Pediatrician on call, they came and told us you were born with Esophageal Atresia (EA) and would need to be sent to Arkansas Children's to the NICU, and would be looking at surgery in the upcoming days. All I could think was, "Wait, what? This can't be happening. The plan was, he would be born, healthy, and we would go home to our other three babies and life would be normal." Mom said my face turned white as a ghost and I looked like I was in a fog. I was confused. I was heartbroken. I was scared. Not for me, but for you. I had never heard of this esophageal atresia mess they mentioned. At that point, I didn't understand what I did wrong during this pregnancy to make something like this happen to you. I kept asking myself, "Did I do something different this time?" They came and placed you in the isolation incubator and took you to ACH when you were just a few hours old. You were hooked up to tubes everywhere. My amazing OB/GYN through all four pregnancies came by to talk to me after she was given the news. Thankfully, she let me shower and go. I could not fathom being there while you were at ACH and I had no idea what was going on. I think she also knew I would be driving her crazy or climbing the walls until I was out of there. Darran and Dad followed you to ACH. Mom stuck around and we were just behind. It was a strange feeling to walk out of the hospital, climb into Mom's vehicle, and not have my baby with me. She got me to ACH just 5 hours after delivering. When I walked into the NICU and saw you, I didn't know what to think or how to feel. I just was still in shock. So many tests. So many tubes. So many conversations. All I knew was they mentioned you had the EA and Tracheoesophageal Fistula (TEF) (um, what?) and that a major 3-4 hour surgery would be required to repair it. We talked to the surgeons. We talked to the anesthesiologists. Surgery was set for the next morning, when you were a mere 24 hours old. I didn't leave your side much that day. I was wanting to hold you so bad. However, I had to settle with holding your hand, so I did. By the end of the day, I was emotionally, mentally, physically exhausted. I went to the hotel to sleep, but I watched you on the camera instead. My baby boy was going to have surgery the next day. How could I sleep? I watched. And I watched some more.
I said from the very moment I found out we were having you, God would do mighty things with and through you. Day 1, and it was just the beginning.
Stay tuned...
Beautiful....
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